Tired of friends canceling our dates | Factor

a question: I've always had a very rich social life, which was very important to me because I don't have children or a partner. Not that I miss it, I just enjoy being single and don't want kids. I've had my iron gang since middle school and we've had a lot of fun together. Now everyone has settled down or had kids (or both) and of course it's no surprise that we can't see each other very often.

But I'm a little tired of this always happening on their terms. I try to book in advance, whether it's for a coffee or a night on the town. But they often end up canceling at the last minute or rebooking. Meanwhile, a text might arrive one afternoon with the question, “What are you doing tonight?” Then I'm expected to reschedule and show up because someone got an unexpected babysitter, which I do because I miss my friends. Am I asking too much or are they tired of me? What should I do?

/Lovisa

The psychiatrist answers: Re-evaluate the situation

You say you were lucky enough to have an ironclad gang that you hung out with and that was the circle you always thought of and turned to when planning fun things in your spare time. You've been there for each other through thick and thin, it seems. So you tell me that your choices in life have brought you into completely different contexts, and I hear how you really try to understand other people's situations.

Anna Karin Magnusson, sommelier. Psychiatrist and specialist in psychotherapy. Image: private

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You accept that those with children and families cannot be available anymore. At the same time, you want to find ways to plan your life and ensure that you do not end up sitting at home alone, it is better in your life to book things in advance. Understood! Now you're disappointed with many of your old friends, you don't feel respected when someone cancels a meeting you've planned for a long time, and what's more, it happens at the last minute. You get hurt and maybe think that you're not that important to your friends when they do that. Everything seems to be more priority than you?

Friends who call you late make you feel like you're seen as someone who's always there and can be reached when a gap arises. I think these interpretations are the biggest culprit. I understand how you feel, it's a human feeling and I agree that your friends' behavior shows they haven't really thought about how you feel, which is a bit reckless of them. But this feeling of decline may not reflect reality.

What are alternative explanations? Here are some suggestions:

“I want to meet Ylva so badly, I've booked it even though I know it might be difficult to make it happen. “Ylva is very close to me and I know she understands and won't get mad if it doesn't work out.”

“Now I have a babysitter, how fun it would be if I could meet Elva then. I pray win and lose, if I can, she can.”

What I'm trying to say is that it's possible that you are highly regarded, but also someone you feel safe with. I've written previously that your friends might be a bit careless. I think it is something that will be difficult for you to change. You can of course consider whether you want to talk to them about how you feel. In this case, first think about what you think this will lead to. Another option is acceptance. By that I mean that you radically accept that this is the way your friends live now. What does that mean for your situation? Perhaps part of the problem is that you are often available on short notice. This doesn't mean you should play some games and say “no unfortunately I'm booked” even though you're not. Rather, I mean that you may need to work on expanding your circle of friends to include more, preferably friends who are in the same life situation as you. No matter how nice your old friends are, there are people out there who are even cuter and maybe you have room for them too?

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