This is how autistic people can be successful in dating and love

It’s almost six in the evening, and soon it’s time. You’ll meet your date at a coffee shop in town, and you’ll be happy and curious — your online chats felt really fulfilling. The closer you get to the coffee, the more stress and tension build up. Oh, what a lot of people here – and what a rattle! Will I really be able to focus in this environment? Maybe I should have said I like it when it’s cool and quiet around me, but then maybe my date thinks I’m boring and weird?

In her work as a psychologist in general psychiatry, Lisa Nordenstam met many adults with autism who expressed a longing for romantic relationships, but also many who told us that they find it difficult to meet someone. When her patients asked for book recommendations on the subject, she noticed that there weren’t a lot of books written in Swedish about love relationships in autism. Then she decided to take matters into her own hands, a decision that has now resulted Breaking the Love Code – A Dating Guide for You on the Autism Spectrum, Written with fellow psychiatrist Sophia Asplund.

Dating and love relationships are hard and difficult for everyone, regardless of whether you are autistic or neurotypical. However, my point is that dating and love relationships can present an additional challenge with autism, precisely because people with autism have trouble reading subtle social cues and dealing with unexpected situations, which is a big part of dating today. You may also be blunt and direct in a way that not everyone can handle, says Lisa Nordenstam own nest.

Concrete tips in the book
The book is based, among other things, on interviews with people with autism and offers, among other things, concrete advice on what to think about before, during and after a date. For example, it may be about taking a break before a date and not running to him in stress after school or work. It can also be about choosing an appropriate date place and situation: perhaps you can go for a walk in peace and quiet instead of meeting, in the classic way, in a crowded and loud bar.

But the book also provides guidance on how to keep the conversation flowing, how to deliver compliments and why it’s important to set personal boundaries.

“The purpose of the book is not to change people with autism or make them less autistic, but our goal is to find a dating and love relationship situation that works for you,” says Lisa Nordenstam.

Hide your autism less
Part of the book is devoted to masking autistic traits. In short, this means that people with autism disguise or conceal their autistic traits in order to fit into a neurotypical community. For example, you may force yourself to make eye contact even though you don’t want to or you are “playing” in social situations, something that can steal large amounts of energy and also lead to mental illness. Hiding your autistic traits in a dating situation can lead to problems in the long run, because sooner or later your date will discover the traits you tried to camouflage.

– This is a smart question, says Lisa Nordenstam and continues:

All people deal with masking to some extent because we show certain aspects of ourselves and limit others. But people with autism of course don’t have to play neurotypical in a dating context, but the important thing is that you find a relationship where you are accepted for who you are.

In the book, the authors write that the first step to reducing masking of autistic traits can be to actively seek out people and contexts that don’t make you feel the need to hide.

Of course everyone should compromise in relationships, but a relationship isn’t sustainable if you feel like you constantly need to hide your autistic characteristics. This doesn’t make you feel good in the long run, she says, adding:

– At the same time, masking is often something that happens automatically and unconsciously, because you are so used to it in a neurotypically coded society. If you realize you’ve been going undercover on a date, it’s good to be nice to yourself. He’s human! Reducing masking is often a longer, gradual process.

Tell us about your autism diagnosis
A related question is whether and in such cases when to tell about your autism diagnosis: before, during or after the first date? It’s understandable, says Lisa Nordenstam, that people with autism may be reluctant to talk about a diagnosis. This is because many people still have stereotypes about autism, something that can lead to exclusion of an autistic person without giving them a real chance.

—but if you want to have a sustainable, feel-good relationship, we think it’s important to tell people that you’re autistic. If you feel like you don’t want to talk about it, or if you’ve told him and may have experienced judgmental or negative reactions, maybe you should think about whether this person is the right person. She says it’s important for you and your partner to be open and willing to learn more about each other, regardless of whether you’re autistic or neurotypical.

Autism is positive
Part of the book is about the positive aspects of autism, for example, that one has the ability to hold on to theories and viewpoints despite conflicting facts, that one has a strong flair for detail, and that one is consistent in one’s thinking and relationships. Characterized by loyalty and reliability. Autism is often associated with problems, but can the positive aspects of autism be used in dating?

– Absolutely! This is very important to emphasize. People with autism as a group have many strengths that can be helpful in dating. An autistic person is often straight-forward, straightforward, and honest, which we think a lot of people can appreciate—not having to think about what your mate thinks can be so refreshing. People with autism can also have a unique perspective due to thinking differently and being able to draw different conclusions. You probably have a unique sense of humor that’s super charming on a date because of this: says Lisa Nordenstam:

People with autism are often less sensitive to certain social influences, and this can lead to feelings of security in oneself and values ​​that one will not change in order to make a date happy.

What do you hope the book will lead to?

– We hope that we have created a very concrete and clear tool that can help autistic people on the road before, during and after the appointment. But above all, we want to instill hope and the courage to dare the search for relationships.