Niklas' column: Watch out for Mr. and Mrs. Pauline!

In a column, Niklas Lindqvist tells about an unforgettable visit to the restaurant. Photos: Private/Little Doctor

Now it's close. Spring lies in all its beauty inside. He creeps along at ease and makes me known by launching awesome new attacks. I hiss, sneeze, and sometimes my nose runs like a five-year-old. Sometimes when I sneeze properly and go to the toilet and look at myself in the mirror, it's like I'm looking at a little baby. The face is wet with mucus and there are two long, thick bands of mucus running from the nostrils down toward the mouth. If I were five years old, I probably would have used my tongue in this situation. A five-year-old boy sticks out his tongue and then leaves it softly and gracefully on his upper lip. Sometimes it's like hitting the jackpot for the little souls when they manage to scrape up all the snot with their tongue and then hit the gag for a while before it goes down their throat. If they don't get everything at once, they can use their hands and fingers. I never “taste” my snot, but you must have let the top side of your right hand run over your upper lip and pick up some of the snot.

Many of us suffer from pollen allergies and this is unfortunate. It's terrible. I remember one time when an entire restaurant got scared by punches. It was springtime and the sun was shining brightly and we were sitting on an outdoor porch. Suddenly out of nowhere, my nose feels itchy. I gently rub my right hand over my nose. Women, men and children sit with their combined plates, eating and talking. It's a very nice atmosphere and coke, beer, wine and other things are brought and there is laughter between the walls. After a minute or so I started to itch more so I again ran my right hand over my nose but this time I also opened the tissue in front of me. I look around and when I feel like he's the liveliest one in the room, I put the tissue to my nose and smell him. Not much comes out of the nose but it feels more itchy now. I smile a little at the neighbor's table and say something like:

“It's pollen. Allergies. It's always like this in the spring. I think it's hazelnuts and then comes the grass pollen.”

A little time passes and I wipe myself several times but there is no mucus but it itches. After another moment, the itching in the nose increases. Now I'm starting to feel how it's almost starting to boil and splatter inside and I know what's going on. But only I know. All the other diners have no idea. They sit quietly, laughing and eating their food.

Suddenly I feel it, suddenly I feel how close I am now, I try to hold everything inside me down but maybe it makes it worse. But I always do it anyway until it doesn't work anymore. I struggle, tying my hands under the table, not daring to open my mouth and speak, but in the end it no longer helps.

Now I feel my whole body retreating towards the backrest, I want to resist but I can't. I scream and sneeze in the restaurant. I try to silence him but it doesn't work. I roar and throw my whole body on the table while sneezing. I can not help it. My sneeze echoes throughout the room.

It gets quiet in the restaurant. People turn around and are probably wondering what's going on. I instantly feel like Congratulations in Snow White. I feel ashamed. I sank into the chair and tried to make myself invisible, but halfway through there was another loud sneeze that made almost all the guests turn their poor necks once again in my direction.

It also explodes a third time and I can't stop it. I wipe myself with a tissue, sneak to the toilet, look at myself in the mirror and see red eyes and a line of mustache along the upper lip. I feel like licking up the clear liquid like a five year old. But I give up and go back to my table. People are watching. Someone is smiling. It's as if someone is pointing and saying something to their neighbor at the table. But it's nice and liberating to scream when you sneeze.

I will continue to do so. I scream and sneeze and hiss, but I won't lick the pollen rope. Maybe I'll pinch my nose with my right hand if I have to.

Congratulations and watch out Mr. and Mrs. Pauline if you have problems with that family!